Hiroshima

Today was epic.

An hour before my meeting with the lawyer, I found out that the position I hold at the school where I teach will be eliminated for next year.  This translates to: I have no job come June 30th.  I was one of seven that were eliminated.  My department chair has hope, as there are possibly two people retiring which would give me my position back.  We shall see.  In the meantime, I will update my resume, and start looking.

After getting this news, I met with the lawyer.  It was a good visit.  I got my questions answered, and was pleasantly surprised with many things.  Mike and I will probably live under the same roof until we can sell the house, but... I'm okay with that.  As I told the lawyer, I want this to be as amicable as possible.  And I do still care about Mike.  I just don't love him anymore.

So when I got home, I told him.  Everything.  He told me I was running away, that my expectations for a marriage were too high, that I came from two dysfunctional households.  He said I wasn't trying, that I didn't try enough. I surprised myself and kept very calm.  Eventually, I cried a little.  I don't want to hurt him, and you might say I did but... to me, stringing him along for a few more months, or more, would hurt him worse than being honest now.

Right now, I've got a lot to get a grip on.  My world changed dramatically today, and I'm afraid I'm in shock.  I'm too clam.  Shouldn't I be upset?  Worried?  Afraid?

Bedtime.  Maybe sleep will bring me clarity.

-- baby girl