The Decision

I have decided to get a divorce.

I just want to state for the record that I was happy once. With my husband, I mean. And I think it's the happiness that I can still remember that made this decision so difficult. Of course, I could play the game of 'what if' and try to find a reason for my happiness fading. But I already know that reason. I changed. I did. Physically, emotionally and mentally. All for the better... just not for the better of my marriage. And now I'm terrified.

I've been with my husband for a little over six years. We've been married for four and a half. Our relationship was never perfect, but I've yet to meet anyone with one of those. Any relationship takes work, and the effort needs to be mutual. In the beginning, my relationship was on a good path. We had good times, bad times, and sucky times. The good outweighed the bad, and that's important. Lately, however, there is an obscene amount of bad to a small amount of good, and I've exhausted myself with trying to regain the balance. It's too late.

I haven't told him yet. In two days, I will see my first attorney (and hopefully last attorney) to get advice on how to proceed. I am hoping for an uncontested divorce. I want it to be quick and painless, like ripping off a band-aid. Of course, there will be pain. I've heard the pain comes afterwards, when you're all alone and you start thinking of your now ex-spouse. I know that pain will come. Sometimes I can taste it already. I try to focus on the positive things. I want children, and I know in my heart that I do not want them with my husband. The longer I take to do this, the longer it will take me to move on and find what - or who - I am looking for to move on with my life.

I have also never been alone. I've been single, sometimes for long periods of time, but I have never lived alone. I don't know how good I'll be at that. The thought of a fresh start is both exciting and horrifying to me right now. During the day, I'll be fine. It's the nights that I worry about. Just thinking about them makes me cry. There are times when all I want is to be held, and told that everything will be alright. That I'll make it on my own, financially and emotionally. Where can I find that comfort? Friends? Family? *sigh*

I think I might look for a support group. Maybe that will make things easier.

Wish me luck with the lawyer.

-- baby girl