It was already 9:30 by the time I got home from my class Thursday night, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I walked through the door, a bit apprehensively, and knew that there would be trouble when my husband told me he was glad that I was home. That's just not something you expect to hear from someone you've told you want a divorce.
And so, I was launched into yet another hour-long tirade on why I no longer wanted to be with him, except this time, he'd pushed my buttons and I could no longer keep calm. I was angry. And I finally used the words I hadn't wanted to use - that I didn't love him anymore. He still persisted, claiming that if we just tried therapy... I told him no. It wouldn't work. My mind was made up. I want this to be over with so badly, so that I can move on. To what? I don't know. To who? Who knows. To where? Maybe somewhere else - considering my job situation, now might be a perfect time to relocate. In the end, I finally got to sleep around 11:00, though I didn't sleep well. I haven't been sleeping well since I got home from vacation a week and a half ago.
Last night, my husband stayed out after work to get drinks with a mutual friend, and was planning on just spending the night there. I found out a few things in his absence: he's begun to look for someone else, as his user name was already typed in when I brought up Match.com on his computer, and I also saw that he didn't wear his ring yesterday, which is fine as I haven't worn mine in about two months, but noticed he had kept wearing his. Does this mean he's finally accepting the truth? God, I hope so.
I am becoming an emotional mess. I guess this was expected. And I know it will get better. I just have to ride it out.
-- baby girl
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Dust Settles
Yesterday, when getting the news about my job, I asked my department chair if I should keep quiet about it or if it would spread like wild fire throughout the school. We both thought the latter might happen. It did.
At 8:15 yesterday morning, one of my juniors showed up at my door with a sad look on her face. She told me to tell her that it wasn't true. I couldn't lie - I wouldn't lie to her - so I confirmed what she had heard. Throughout the day, I began to feel like I was wearing a scarlet letter - a 'U' for Unemployed, or an 'E' for Eliminated. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Some of my other students asked me about it, and I told them the truth. It was a sad day. But it was also a 'senior cut day', so I have no doubt that when I go to work today, I'll have to confirm it for however many more students that weren't in school to hear it yesterday. Oy.
Finally, it came time to go home. I was tense when I walked through the door, for Mike was home already and I wasn't sure how things would be between us. But he was pleasant, and started talking about things. He told me he'd called the realtor just to get an idea of what we could sell the house for if we decided to take that route. We talked about a few other things, and then I realized that he was still thinking that we could work things out. I stood my ground, and in the end, the conversation turned into a forty-five minute recall of every reason I had for wanting the divorce. He sat there, staring quietly at me, as I cried, reliving the pain I felt when he lost his job and shut me out... for a year... ignoring me, everyday. That was, after all, one of the main reasons for my feelings changing. That's when things began to deteriorate.
I also confronted the things he had said the night before, when I had initially told him. That I was running away, and that I came from two dysfunctional households. I spoke of my conflicted relationship with my father, and things that had happened that I had had to deal with at a very young age. I told him that my parents might not have been living together, but that they were still in love, and I had to defend them. He asked why they separated, and I told him about my mother, and the MS, and the medication she was on that made her unbearable at times. I relived pain that I hadn't felt in years and as I stood there sobbing, he just stared.
It was so painful. He was adament that it wasn't too late. I stood my ground that it was. I told him my feelings for him had changed, that the attraction for him wasn't there anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but he has begun to leave me no choice. I all but told him I don't love him anymore, but those words will only escape my lips when I am left with no other choice. Unfortunately, that time might come sooner than later.
Finally, when I thought I wasn't capable of shedding more tears, I told him I needed to eat something and offered to go get food. I needed to get out of the house, and didn't want him offering to come along, so it was a selfish move, I suppose. The next twenty-five minutes were spent sobbing hysterically as I drove to the mall, because it was Cinco de Mayo and I wanted a burrito. I also wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted my parents. Somebody. Anybody. Just not him.
I don't think it's registered with him yet that my mind won't change. I just have to stand my ground and stick to my guns. Let's hope this doesn't last too long.
-- baby girl
At 8:15 yesterday morning, one of my juniors showed up at my door with a sad look on her face. She told me to tell her that it wasn't true. I couldn't lie - I wouldn't lie to her - so I confirmed what she had heard. Throughout the day, I began to feel like I was wearing a scarlet letter - a 'U' for Unemployed, or an 'E' for Eliminated. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Some of my other students asked me about it, and I told them the truth. It was a sad day. But it was also a 'senior cut day', so I have no doubt that when I go to work today, I'll have to confirm it for however many more students that weren't in school to hear it yesterday. Oy.
Finally, it came time to go home. I was tense when I walked through the door, for Mike was home already and I wasn't sure how things would be between us. But he was pleasant, and started talking about things. He told me he'd called the realtor just to get an idea of what we could sell the house for if we decided to take that route. We talked about a few other things, and then I realized that he was still thinking that we could work things out. I stood my ground, and in the end, the conversation turned into a forty-five minute recall of every reason I had for wanting the divorce. He sat there, staring quietly at me, as I cried, reliving the pain I felt when he lost his job and shut me out... for a year... ignoring me, everyday. That was, after all, one of the main reasons for my feelings changing. That's when things began to deteriorate.
I also confronted the things he had said the night before, when I had initially told him. That I was running away, and that I came from two dysfunctional households. I spoke of my conflicted relationship with my father, and things that had happened that I had had to deal with at a very young age. I told him that my parents might not have been living together, but that they were still in love, and I had to defend them. He asked why they separated, and I told him about my mother, and the MS, and the medication she was on that made her unbearable at times. I relived pain that I hadn't felt in years and as I stood there sobbing, he just stared.
It was so painful. He was adament that it wasn't too late. I stood my ground that it was. I told him my feelings for him had changed, that the attraction for him wasn't there anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but he has begun to leave me no choice. I all but told him I don't love him anymore, but those words will only escape my lips when I am left with no other choice. Unfortunately, that time might come sooner than later.
Finally, when I thought I wasn't capable of shedding more tears, I told him I needed to eat something and offered to go get food. I needed to get out of the house, and didn't want him offering to come along, so it was a selfish move, I suppose. The next twenty-five minutes were spent sobbing hysterically as I drove to the mall, because it was Cinco de Mayo and I wanted a burrito. I also wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted my parents. Somebody. Anybody. Just not him.
I don't think it's registered with him yet that my mind won't change. I just have to stand my ground and stick to my guns. Let's hope this doesn't last too long.
-- baby girl
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Hiroshima
Today was epic.
An hour before my meeting with the lawyer, I found out that the position I hold at the school where I teach will be eliminated for next year. This translates to: I have no job come June 30th. I was one of seven that were eliminated. My department chair has hope, as there are possibly two people retiring which would give me my position back. We shall see. In the meantime, I will update my resume, and start looking.
After getting this news, I met with the lawyer. It was a good visit. I got my questions answered, and was pleasantly surprised with many things. Mike and I will probably live under the same roof until we can sell the house, but... I'm okay with that. As I told the lawyer, I want this to be as amicable as possible. And I do still care about Mike. I just don't love him anymore.
So when I got home, I told him. Everything. He told me I was running away, that my expectations for a marriage were too high, that I came from two dysfunctional households. He said I wasn't trying, that I didn't try enough. I surprised myself and kept very calm. Eventually, I cried a little. I don't want to hurt him, and you might say I did but... to me, stringing him along for a few more months, or more, would hurt him worse than being honest now.
Right now, I've got a lot to get a grip on. My world changed dramatically today, and I'm afraid I'm in shock. I'm too clam. Shouldn't I be upset? Worried? Afraid?
Bedtime. Maybe sleep will bring me clarity.
-- baby girl
An hour before my meeting with the lawyer, I found out that the position I hold at the school where I teach will be eliminated for next year. This translates to: I have no job come June 30th. I was one of seven that were eliminated. My department chair has hope, as there are possibly two people retiring which would give me my position back. We shall see. In the meantime, I will update my resume, and start looking.
After getting this news, I met with the lawyer. It was a good visit. I got my questions answered, and was pleasantly surprised with many things. Mike and I will probably live under the same roof until we can sell the house, but... I'm okay with that. As I told the lawyer, I want this to be as amicable as possible. And I do still care about Mike. I just don't love him anymore.
So when I got home, I told him. Everything. He told me I was running away, that my expectations for a marriage were too high, that I came from two dysfunctional households. He said I wasn't trying, that I didn't try enough. I surprised myself and kept very calm. Eventually, I cried a little. I don't want to hurt him, and you might say I did but... to me, stringing him along for a few more months, or more, would hurt him worse than being honest now.
Right now, I've got a lot to get a grip on. My world changed dramatically today, and I'm afraid I'm in shock. I'm too clam. Shouldn't I be upset? Worried? Afraid?
Bedtime. Maybe sleep will bring me clarity.
-- baby girl
Doubts? I think not.
I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.
Last night, I had a puppy training class with our five-month-old coonhound, Ellie. Ellie is a sweet girl, with too much energy and too little manners. She's got a whole hell of a lot of potential, which is why I chose to keep her over my husband. But that's beside the point. The class went fine. Ellie had played with four other dogs, and even tired a bit - or so I had hoped. I left the class in a good mood, the rest of my evening scheduled out: go home, eat dinner, go to sleep. When I reached my car, I checked my phone. Four missed calls. All from my husband. All during the time I had told him I'd be in the class. I sighed. Then the phone rang again, and noticing it was HIM, I answered.
Apparently, he had forgotten his keys at work, and needed me to pick him up at the train station. I groaned inwardly, but what choice did I have? Tell him to take a taxi (or a hike!)? No. But here was my dilema. I didn't have enough time to bring the dog home, and I didn't want to bring her with me. She's lovely, really, but her driving skills are lacking, and she always, always, tries to drive. In the end, I sacrificed my sanity and a healthy dinner for a dangerous, stressful car ride and fast food. It was what happened on the way to the station that confirmed my previous decision.
I was on the phone, complaining about what I had to do. Complaining about my 'idiot' husband, the 'moron' who left his keys at work, the 'jackass' who was inconveniencing me. Pure venom spilled from my lips. And I thought, if my friends who doubt my decision could hear me now, they'd probably offer to help pay my legal fees. Seriously, the way I was feeling was NO way for a wife to feel about her husband. Or for a friend to feel about another friend. That's the thing, though. Had it been anyone else, I probably would have been happy to help. But not him. Not anymore.
Any doubts in my mind were silenced last night. And considering as how I meet with the attorney today, it was perfect timing.
-- baby girl
Last night, I had a puppy training class with our five-month-old coonhound, Ellie. Ellie is a sweet girl, with too much energy and too little manners. She's got a whole hell of a lot of potential, which is why I chose to keep her over my husband. But that's beside the point. The class went fine. Ellie had played with four other dogs, and even tired a bit - or so I had hoped. I left the class in a good mood, the rest of my evening scheduled out: go home, eat dinner, go to sleep. When I reached my car, I checked my phone. Four missed calls. All from my husband. All during the time I had told him I'd be in the class. I sighed. Then the phone rang again, and noticing it was HIM, I answered.
Apparently, he had forgotten his keys at work, and needed me to pick him up at the train station. I groaned inwardly, but what choice did I have? Tell him to take a taxi (or a hike!)? No. But here was my dilema. I didn't have enough time to bring the dog home, and I didn't want to bring her with me. She's lovely, really, but her driving skills are lacking, and she always, always, tries to drive. In the end, I sacrificed my sanity and a healthy dinner for a dangerous, stressful car ride and fast food. It was what happened on the way to the station that confirmed my previous decision.
I was on the phone, complaining about what I had to do. Complaining about my 'idiot' husband, the 'moron' who left his keys at work, the 'jackass' who was inconveniencing me. Pure venom spilled from my lips. And I thought, if my friends who doubt my decision could hear me now, they'd probably offer to help pay my legal fees. Seriously, the way I was feeling was NO way for a wife to feel about her husband. Or for a friend to feel about another friend. That's the thing, though. Had it been anyone else, I probably would have been happy to help. But not him. Not anymore.
Any doubts in my mind were silenced last night. And considering as how I meet with the attorney today, it was perfect timing.
-- baby girl
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The Decision
I have decided to get a divorce.
I just want to state for the record that I was happy once. With my husband, I mean. And I think it's the happiness that I can still remember that made this decision so difficult. Of course, I could play the game of 'what if' and try to find a reason for my happiness fading. But I already know that reason. I changed. I did. Physically, emotionally and mentally. All for the better... just not for the better of my marriage. And now I'm terrified.
I've been with my husband for a little over six years. We've been married for four and a half. Our relationship was never perfect, but I've yet to meet anyone with one of those. Any relationship takes work, and the effort needs to be mutual. In the beginning, my relationship was on a good path. We had good times, bad times, and sucky times. The good outweighed the bad, and that's important. Lately, however, there is an obscene amount of bad to a small amount of good, and I've exhausted myself with trying to regain the balance. It's too late.
I haven't told him yet. In two days, I will see my first attorney (and hopefully last attorney) to get advice on how to proceed. I am hoping for an uncontested divorce. I want it to be quick and painless, like ripping off a band-aid. Of course, there will be pain. I've heard the pain comes afterwards, when you're all alone and you start thinking of your now ex-spouse. I know that pain will come. Sometimes I can taste it already. I try to focus on the positive things. I want children, and I know in my heart that I do not want them with my husband. The longer I take to do this, the longer it will take me to move on and find what - or who - I am looking for to move on with my life.
I have also never been alone. I've been single, sometimes for long periods of time, but I have never lived alone. I don't know how good I'll be at that. The thought of a fresh start is both exciting and horrifying to me right now. During the day, I'll be fine. It's the nights that I worry about. Just thinking about them makes me cry. There are times when all I want is to be held, and told that everything will be alright. That I'll make it on my own, financially and emotionally. Where can I find that comfort? Friends? Family? *sigh*
I think I might look for a support group. Maybe that will make things easier.
Wish me luck with the lawyer.
-- baby girl
I just want to state for the record that I was happy once. With my husband, I mean. And I think it's the happiness that I can still remember that made this decision so difficult. Of course, I could play the game of 'what if' and try to find a reason for my happiness fading. But I already know that reason. I changed. I did. Physically, emotionally and mentally. All for the better... just not for the better of my marriage. And now I'm terrified.
I've been with my husband for a little over six years. We've been married for four and a half. Our relationship was never perfect, but I've yet to meet anyone with one of those. Any relationship takes work, and the effort needs to be mutual. In the beginning, my relationship was on a good path. We had good times, bad times, and sucky times. The good outweighed the bad, and that's important. Lately, however, there is an obscene amount of bad to a small amount of good, and I've exhausted myself with trying to regain the balance. It's too late.
I haven't told him yet. In two days, I will see my first attorney (and hopefully last attorney) to get advice on how to proceed. I am hoping for an uncontested divorce. I want it to be quick and painless, like ripping off a band-aid. Of course, there will be pain. I've heard the pain comes afterwards, when you're all alone and you start thinking of your now ex-spouse. I know that pain will come. Sometimes I can taste it already. I try to focus on the positive things. I want children, and I know in my heart that I do not want them with my husband. The longer I take to do this, the longer it will take me to move on and find what - or who - I am looking for to move on with my life.
I have also never been alone. I've been single, sometimes for long periods of time, but I have never lived alone. I don't know how good I'll be at that. The thought of a fresh start is both exciting and horrifying to me right now. During the day, I'll be fine. It's the nights that I worry about. Just thinking about them makes me cry. There are times when all I want is to be held, and told that everything will be alright. That I'll make it on my own, financially and emotionally. Where can I find that comfort? Friends? Family? *sigh*
I think I might look for a support group. Maybe that will make things easier.
Wish me luck with the lawyer.
-- baby girl
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